The Unequal Sign

Words are the deadliest of all weapon which has the power to tear someone to pieces in a matter of a sentence or two. We use words every day for “communication” and once in a while, we slip some arrows among the sea of alphabet. But worst of all words is the only weapon that can break something that’s already broken.


This is a novel I’m currently writing following perspective of girl who lost her best friends 6 years prior to the setting.  And how this memory haunted her causing her to experience an anxiety disorder. This is a journal through all the hateful words and the power of true friendship. 


(Part of) Chapter 1:

I open my eyes to the exact room, I live in for 6 years. I stare at the perfect white ceiling above my head. Just like the blankness of my today canvas, everything is perfect, clean, and neat. My breaths are short and sharp, I feel like the room has dropped its temperature to zero. I feel as though there is not enough oxygen to be absorbed. I can’t mess this up, I can’t make mistake today. My heart starts to pick up its beating pace, thumping loudly against my chest as my limbs getting cold. Right now breathing is the hardest things to do, but I will be fine, this will only last for like a minute or so. This is familiar feeling of picnicking, I wake up to for 6 years.

Six years ago, when it first started. There is nothing new.


I woke up rather uneasy today, a feeling of something heavy in my stomach causing me to feel anxious. My chest gets tight, after each gulp of air, it’s getting harder and harder to breathe. I am shaking, with the lack of oxygen circulating in my body, but things get worse with a shiver ran through my body, causing my limbs to go cold. I remember I was afraid of the sudden feeling of panic, I was questioning myself whether I go insane, whether I am crazy.


I no longer fear of this sudden fear, of things that happens without any particular reason. Well, in this case, there is a reason but who would believe it, when the whole thing happens inside my head. But right now, this panic attack assures me, today is the day that I do it. This panic attack is a reminder that no matter what happens that might set things out of balance, but over a period of time, it will move on and then go back to its equilibrium point. Everything will be back to normal in a couple of days, so even if I choose the choice of today, no one will really care about it.